A week later, I went to Regis' birthday bash at Fro-Zen. It was a buffet sushi party. I was drinking sake with David Duchovny and Joe Guerriero. We were discussing Kathie Lee Gifford's new soul album, 'I Honestly Love You,' which was playing over the restaurant's sound system. Joe was just remarking that Kathie Lee's voice sounded "wetter than paint" when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I spun around. It was Regis. He squinted at me. "You have a second?"
"Sure, sure." I nodded at him and turned to Joe and David. I held up my glass of sake and toasted them. "Excuse me, fellas."
"Sure thing."
"Yeah."
I followed Regis to a quiet corner near the bar. He was sipping a martini. He gestured at a stack of stereo speakers in the corner of the room. Kathie Lee was scatting doo-wop phrases. He pointed at one of the speakers and shook his head. "No matter where I go, I can't get away from this crap."
I nodded gravely. "I hear you, man."
He took a sip of his martini. "I wanna talk to you a moment."
"Sure, Reeg."
“Listen, Barbra's Streisand's here and she really likes you..."
"Oh, man, not this..." I shook my head.
"Listen to me. She really likes you. She met you at Molod's or something and—"
"Aww, Reeg—"
He poked me in the shoulder. "Let me finish, okay?
I nodded. "All right."
Regis looked at his martini for a moment. He stirred his olive. "Somehow, she's really fallen for you. I don't know why. But she really likes you. And since she's here, I want her to have a good time."
He stared at me for a moment, waiting for me to say something. I nodded at him. "So what do you want me to do?"
"Go talk to her. Be nice to her. Show her a good time."
"But she's not my type, man."
"She's a sweet girl."
"I don't want a sweet girl."
"Look, just do me a favor. Go have a drink with her."
"Aww, Reeg. Come on…”
Regis pointed his finger at me. "Go-have-a-drink-with-her."
I kicked my shoe on the floor. "All right..." I sighed. "Fine. I'll go talk to her."
"That's the spirit."
I downed the rest of my sake and exhaled. "Where is she?"
"Right over there." He pointed to the other side of the bar.
I looked over and saw Barbra standing near the bar. She was wearing a long brown evening dress and a string of pearls. I nodded to Regis. "All right. Here goes."
Regis patted me on the back. "Go to it."
I walked up to the bar, near where Barbra was standing. I leaned toward the bartender and ordered a double-sake. Almost instantly, Barbra spotted me. She hurried over and grabbed my arms. Her chin brushed my ear as she gave me a kiss on the cheek. She squeezed my shoulders. "Hi darling. How are you?"
I smiled. "Fine, baby. How are you?"
"Just terrific. Just wonderful."
"Great. I'm glad to hear that."
The bartender handed me a double-sake. I put a $5 bill in his tip jar. I turned to Barbra. "Can I get you a drink?"
"Oh, no. I don't drink."
"Oh."
I took a long hit of my sake. It was nice and warm, the way I liked it. Barbra looked at the sake for a moment, then looked at me. She touched my arm. "So what's new with you? You look great."
I took another hit of the sake. "Yeah, you know...Some auditions and things. Working on a couple of projects. You know, the usual."
Barbra smiled. She was staring into my eyes. "That's wonderful. I mean, you are so talented. Anything you do must be grand."
"Yeah, you know...Just working it."
She touched my arm again. "Let's take a seat." She gestured toward the stereo speakers. "I don't want to have to shout over this noise."
"It's Kathie Lee."
"Whatever."
I nodded. "All right." I slugged down the rest of my sake and put the glass on the bar. I started to wave to the bartender. "Let me just get another drink..."
Barbra grabbed my arm. "No. I don't want to share you with a drink."
"But, baby..."
She tightened her grip. "Come on." She began pulling me toward one of the small tables in the back corner. I made a last glance for the bartender. But Barbra was tugging my arm. I gave up and followed her to an empty table.
A small orange candle was glowing in a glass cup at the side of the table. We sat down. Barbra looked into my eyes again. "The last time I saw you, we were having dinner with Burt and Loni."
"I remember."
"You gave me the tie you were wearing."
"I did?"
"Yes."
I lifted my hand to take a hit of sake. But there was no glass in my hand. I looked at my empty hand for a moment. Barbra reached across the table and took my hand. She looked into my eyes. "I kept hoping we'd run into each other."
"Really?"
She held my hand tightly. "Yes."
"Well, that's great." I nodded and looked away. "Yeah."
I felt Barbra staring at me. I nodded and tried to think of something to say: "So...yeah...what've you been doing with yourself?"
Barbra smiled. She touched my fingers. "Mostly yoga. Some reading. That kind of thing."
"Right."
Suddenly Barbra's cell phone rang. She let go of my hand and reached into her purse. She flipped on the cell.
"Yes?...Uh-huh...Yes, I ordered it...Oh, well please tell Alia to sign for it, okay?...Just leave it in the kitchen...Okay...Grazie. Ciao." She closed her phone and stuck it back in her bag. She turned back to me. "Where were we?"
"I don't know."
"Oh."
I was thinking of a warm sake. But Barbra was looking at me. After a moment, I stumbled for something to say. "Umm...what was the phone call?"
She waved her hand dismissively. "Ohh, just some leather I ordered."
"Really?"
"Yeah. It's nothing."
"Leather, like for what? Like furniture or something?"
She smiled to herself. "Well...not exactly."
"I like leather."
"Me, too."
"Yeah, leather's cool."
Barbra smiled. She looked at the table. "Leather's not always cool. Sometimes it's hot."
I paused. "Umm, 'leather's hot'...how's that, baby?"
Barbra reached across the table and took my hand again. "If you wrap leather tight enough, it can start to sweat."
I nodded my head. "Yeah...I guess that's possible. There's, like, water vapor trapped in it, or something..."
Barbra shook her head. "No. It depends on who you wrap the leather around."
"Oh."
She squeezed my hand. "It's like whip cream. You spray it on someone and it starts to melt. Sometimes you have to act quickly." She looked at me.
I nodded. "What do you do when it melts?"
"I don't let it melt."
She was staring at me. I stared back. "How do you keep it from melting?"
She paused, then licked her lips.
I squinted at her. "I don't get it."
She licked her lips again.
I nodded. "Oh..."
Suddenly my heart started to beat faster. I felt a tiny bead of sweat appear on my forehead.
Barbra grinned. "But whip cream's only good if you have an hour or so."
"Yeah."
"That's why I prefer candle wax."
"Yeah."
"Or tree cuffs."
"Tree cuffs?"
"Tree handcuffs."
"Oh." I leaned forward. "French or Thai?"
"Thai. Always Thai."
A drop of sweat rolled down the side of my face. I looked into Barbra's eyes. "You like radiators?"
Barbra's body suddenly convulsed in a spasm. "Unhh..." She blinked her eyes. "I love them."
"What about carpet fibers?"
She leaned forward. Her breasts hovered above the edge of the table. "Only synthetic."
I felt myself shudder.
Barbra let go of my hand. She reached under the table and began rubbing my thigh. She stared into my eyes. "Do you like mirrors?"
"Only in the bathroom and on the ceiling."
Barbra's fingernails dug into my leg. "And towels?"
"Rolled-up like a tube."
Barbra stood up. My heart was pounding. I pressed my hand against my chest. She leaned over me. "You don't use pillows do you?"
"NEVER."
Barbra stepped away from the table. "Let's go."
I jumped up, almost knocking over my chair. We hurried to the front door.
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